Sometimes......

Sometimes....
I feel growing up from inside.........
Calm, recollected and composed...........
And the next moment.........
My lucky star does a bunk...........
And I feel I have lost my way......
Sometimes........
I wake up suddenly...........
To clutch unseen hands of help...........
To get rescued from a nightmare..........
But I come to know............
That I am alone to face the fear..........
To fight the perils of my life............
And I gradually realize...........
The fallacy of concilation...........
Put forward by people...........
And I laugh at myself for.........
believing them...........
Sometimes..........
I feel so warm............
Just by watching the sunset..........
And i feel deeply moved inside.........
By thinking that one has to fall...........
Before one plans to rise............
I retrospect my downfall.........
Seeming endless into a never ending rift.........
And the next moment...........
I summon all my strength...........
To assure that I am going to rise again..........
Sometimes............
I feel torn apart and lost...........
In a maze of mirrors.........
And I am unable to find myself.........
I feel like I have lost my identity..........
In this horrendous world.............
Sometimes........
While walking on a lonely road..........
I pace up myself to get even with someone.........
To catch hold of his hand..........
So not to let him go.........
But my efforts remain futile...........
For my hands do not find anyone to hold them..........
And they gradually retreat..........
In a disquieting silence..........
Whose irony again makes me smile...........
And I think....
I am going to be the one to hold someone's hands.........
Which reach out to me in search of help.........
I am not going to be the dependent........
I am not going to be the helpless.........
I am going to be the helper......
Sometimes.......
The loneliness around me engulfs me like a coil of a snake.......
And I struggle to trudge myself out..........
The messengers of Satan inject the seething heat of hatred inside me............
And I feel overpowered enough to succumb to it and ignore myself.......
But the next moment I emerge..........
From the deep valley of trauma........
To fight back for myself.........
And to survive as a Victor, not a looser..........
Sometimes.........
I feel dying from inside...........
Shattered to pieces, deep from within...........
Due to the transitory world and its ways...........
But, I know...........
I am here to change the ways.........
The perpetrators of this dehumanisation.......
Block my way at every step........
But I know I have to fight...........
Against hate, against loneliness.........
Against rage and against fear........
Against all the odds inside me........
I am not a personality.....
I am "personalities" from within.......
Each with its aura............
And I try to balance myself........
In each way possible.........
Seems incongruent, seems ridiculous to some.....
But this is the bitter truth......
Which is going to be the cure of my malady.......
Being one with myself.........
Fighting back, yes.......
My journey has begun.....
And I keep walking.....
Not sometimes....but.........
Always..................